unfinished thoughts 002

Showing Up When It's not perfect...because progress doesn't always look pretty

Hello, if you are reading this, this is my first blog post. I’ve been itching to write again, to get my thoughts out of my head and onto a “page” screen. When I was younger, I used to write stories and all kinds of things, and somewhere along the way, that disappeared. I keep asking myself, where did that love for creating go, and how do I get it back? So here we are…trying to process and progress.

Starting Something for Me

Today is Sunday, October 19th (at least this part of the post. I will write as thoughts come to me throughout the week). I was determined to finally get my website post up today. It was a priority for myself and to prove to myself that I can do it. I sure do hope everything is working fine, though I already know it’s not perfect. I checked a few things, but there’s still a lot to fix…and that’s okay (at least that is what I try to tell myself). When I have the energy again, and as I keep learning, I will make improvements.

I am doing this website as a way to process things, to get thoughts out of my head and back into something creative. Writing feels like something I used to enjoy as a kid but somehow let go of. I don’t know why I stopped. Maybe I got busy with other things, or new interests took over. I know I am no author or journalist with some special writing capability, but writing in my own way now feels healing. It is freeing but also kinda scary because these are my real thoughts, and sharing them (albeit no one else is probably reading) makes me feel exposed.

Still, this project feels like a chance to rebuild something in myself, not just a website but a sense of curiosity. It is not about being perfect or having a polished layout. It is about learning, designing, creativity, and giving myself permission to grow. Even if no one ever reads it, this is for me. I will probably say that a lot to just help remind myself why I am here writing/typing out these thoughts.

Learning to Listen to Myself

I’ve been sick for a few days, maybe allergies, maybe a cold. I’m feeling a little better now, but it’s been rough. My nose is stuffy, I had headaches, and I just wanted to sleep. Last week from my workout plan the focus was retesting some of my key lifts and runs to see if progress was made. Babysat my nephew who in all honesty probably got me sick. Overall was just very fatigued by the end of it.

When I get sick or feel like crap, I feel torn. I love to work out, but I hate when my body won’t let me do what I want. I hear that voice in my head saying no excuses, keep pushing, and it’s hard to know when to rest and when to show up anyway. I am trying to learn how to be gentle with myself.

I work out for fun, honestly. It develops me physically, but it has helped with my mental and emotional state as well. Every time I hit a goal or perform better than before, it reminds me how far I have come. It’s childlike, that feeling of moving freely, just because it feels good. When we were kids, we moved constantly, and then as we grew older, we were trained to sit still all day. Movement feels like reclaiming something.

I also have learned to just be so grateful that I am able to move my body. Those days when I do feel like crap I know it is temporary (God-willing), but there’s so many people out there that they have no choice but to go out and move their bodies. I know I will get more into this in a different post, but for those of those that can move our bodies please don’t take it for granted. So when I don’t feel well, I have to ask myself which voice is speaking, the disciplined one, the tired one, or the lazy one. I owe it to myself to consider which one is speaking…recognize which one…act on it…but don’t regret the decision or the outcome.

Faith, Uncertainty, and Trust

I happened to run across a Justin Fields’ interview the other day. And for context, Fields is currently the quarterback for the New York Jets who are not doing so hot…like at all. I believe zero wins this season as I type this. Anytime a team is not doing well most times the media and general population will focus on the head coach or the quarterback. Anyways, Justin Fields has not had a good career so far in the NFL, but I found his response in the interview as emotionally and spiritually honest.

The question was about how he felt being benched during the game. He mentioned he understood it and he is learning to not take anything personal, but he also sees this as an opportunity to spread God’s word. He himself says that he is probably at a low right now, but as he has grown his faith in God, he is so rooted in Christ that nothing can break him. Knowing he is strong enough to handle it and knows God is strong enough to help him handle these lows. Everything else becomes background noise when you know God’s got you.

I have been saying a prayer I heard once, “Lord, do it or do something better.” I am still not sure how I feel about the exact phrasing of the prayer. It sounds very bold to say to God, but I get the meaning. God, help me with this, and if this isn’t what’s best for me, then do what is. That’s where I am at right now and probably Fields as well. Things don’t feel as stable as they once were…don’t really know what’s next. Growing up, the path was clear…school, college, job. But now I am in this in-between space. What I was doing before just didn’t feel right. I couldn’t see a future in it. So here I am, unsure of what comes next, asking God to guide me. Trying to trust him and the process.

Trusting without seeing the logic does not come naturally to me. I like patterns and plans. But maybe that’s the whole point, learning to let go a bit, to trust that what’s meant for me will come, and that it will be better than anything I could have planned myself.

The Week Wasn’t Perfect, But It Was Enough

The week was not perfect, not the workouts, not the website, not my health. But at the end of each day, I showed up. I made progress. I thought deeply. I loved deeply.

And maybe that’s enough for now.

With Love,